Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
