Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm getting married
To pizza
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
