For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
