ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
