I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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