Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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