I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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