Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
