My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
