Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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