At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
