I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize