I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
