can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Houston, we have a squirter
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
