Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i think i just lost a toe
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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