We're like a lot better than the average bears
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
