Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
