I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
