If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just want to make out with him forever
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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