I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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