Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i love accidental penises.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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