My sheets look like a crime scene.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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