You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
