Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
