I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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