i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
