i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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