god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
