She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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