He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
