i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
