I cut my penus on the lid.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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