i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
