A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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