I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
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