"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
