My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
the liver wants what the liver wants
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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