Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
