Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
