I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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