i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
