I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
