Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
