But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
