Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Randomize
