god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize