i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
