I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
