woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize