oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
