there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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