She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
