but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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