so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
