Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
