my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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