it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize