I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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