She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
